Disappointment and Rejoicing

Life is full of fails: face-palming, head-desking FAILS.


As some of you know, the night I had been waiting for the ENTIRE summer had finally arrived: The Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Premiere!! I had bought the material for my dress and planned to finish it that night. Nothing could get in my way! Except for one little thing the world likes to call "a job." My life had been full of much rejoicing when I found out that I finally had a job! I knew going into it that it wouldn't be glamorous (washing dishes never is), but I didn't know that it was going to exhaust me to the point of dehydration and extreme fatigue. So the night of the premiere came, and as tired and sick as I was, I was even more determined to go see the movie! I rushed to finish my costume, which turned out to be pretty awesome, and bolted to the theater. I arrived around 8:30, about three and a half hours before the movie was scheduled to begin and was captivated by the whole event. Hundreds of my fellow Harry Potter nerds, dressed up and celebrating this wonderful, yet tragic end to a childhood filled with magic and mischief. Unfortunately, we were forced to stand for hours until they opened the theaters for seating. Luckily, all true Harry Potter fans are made of awesome, so I ended up making a couple of great acquaintances. We discussed our situations in life, hobbies, life plans, and most importantly, our love of Harry Potter. The crowd began to get restless, and somewhat rebellious. They were chanting "LET US SIT!" and razzing each other into a frenzy. At long last, the usher approached us and I braced myself, grabbing my new found friends' arms and holding on for dear life. The rope was removed, and the crowd rushed forward, like a gushing current in a raging river: unstoppable. All I could do was hold on for dear life and hope to find a seat that wasn't horrendous. After all of that standing, fatigue and nauseousness, I sought for relief within the slightly comfortable purple theater seat. I tried to use the rest of my remaining energy in the effort to fall asleep for the hour and a half until the movie started, but I simply couldn't. A) I was anxious for the movie to start. B) The lights were on, children and adults alike were chattering (at the top of their lungs), beach balls were being passed from row to row, and wizarding duels were occurring all around me. C) I felt like the knight bus had ran straight through me. However, it happened to be malfunctioning and instead of going "through" me, it crushed my insides and flattened me on the road, leaving me to put myself back together. My dizziness was increasing, and my will to live was faltering. I was dreading the decision I was about to make, but knew it must happen. So, I went home. An hour before the moment I had been waiting for since December 17th was scheduled to arrive, I went home. Darn responsibility, and DARN WORK! I was petrified that I had made this decision, but mostly, I was disappointed. I felt as if I had failed Harry Potter. He had never given up, had never deserted me when I needed him most. And here I was, falling asleep at his most important moment.


Now, I know this sounds over-dramatized and ridiculous, but the truth is, this is exactly how I felt. I had made Harry Potter a special part of my life. I had made it a priority, and integrated it into my existence. I went to Hermione for counsel, fought with Ron to release my anger, and lent my compassion to Severus Snape. J.K. Rowling had written this story specifically for me. She gave me loyal (and might I say interesting) friends. I had grown up with the series, and it was a real part of my life.


At work the next day, I couldn't have been more grateful for my decision. I felt great; alert and healthy--I could only imagine how I would have felt if I had been out until three in the morning, regardless of what I was doing. It was then that my thoughts wandered to my priorities, goals, and how they compare to how I live my life day to day. What was I doing to further my intelligence? What was I doing to help others progress as well? Was I wasting precious hours every day, or was I taking advantage of the time God has blessed me with? These questions were hard to face, and I'm still trying to take a good look at myself with an eternal perspective. I wonder if I am progressing, or just being stagnant. Is this girl that I see the woman I really want to be? The answer is usually no, and once again, I am faced with disappointment--the type of disappointment you can't escape, not even with the most creative ways of distraction. I become consumed with my faults. I never seem to live up to my expectations, and even if I do, I can easily spot something I can criticize. And as much as I wish this discontent would motivate me to do more to change, it doesn't always. I often sink back into a routine of mediocrity; not doing any intentional harm, but not improving either. Just existing. Existing and forever employed as a "watcher". Watching others fulfill their dreams and succeed. Watching them move on with their lives and forgetting me. Watching them pass over my hand and through my fingers like rain... This is a hard life, and a lonely one. But I brought this state upon myself.


However, I know that deep down I am powerful. I have incredible potential. I have the ability to change the world, or at least someone else's world, even my world. There are times that I see this light, that I find the confidence to take action, even if it is only one small act. And in these I rejoice! A step, no matter how small, is still a step; it is still progression. Progression leads to happiness, confidence, and the desire to make others happy. I still watch. But it is more of a part-time watching. My other part-time job is to accomplish. Little things. Smiling at a stranger, doing the dishes. But big things too. Getting straight A's, raising money for a poor country. Just making a difference. These acts, deeds, exploits... they make disappointment bite the dust. And they make rejoicing possible. Step by step, small success by even smaller success, I will achieve happiness, and I will become that woman I wish to become. Even if it takes a lifetime or two.


Life is full of success: happy-dancing, high-jumping SUCCESS.